Life After You
by Sophie Ranier
Summary: Tony's POV of the lost days of Truth or Consequences. Tags to 7x1. slight tiva, nothing huge
1. The Cycle Begins

**Ok, so I'm listening to Life After you by Daughtry. Good song. Listen to it. It kinda inspired this. **

**This is a multi chapter fic centering around Tony's thoughts of Ziva supposedly dying. Next chapter will be up soon. I'm sorry if it depresses anyone. But it's happier in the next chapters. This is a little different writing style then I usually do so review and tell me how you like it:D**

**Oh, btw I wrote this is PUPcat, I am officially in love with this font. It's awesome!**

Shock:

The ship went down in a storm. There were no survivors.

No survivors.

No ziva.

.

.

.

What?

No, this isn't right.

* * *

Denial.

Ziva, dead. No, those two words do go together. They don't make sense.

There's no way a ship went down with Ziva on it. There's no way she didn't make it.

She's not dead. No, she's alive. She made it.

She's safe. Alive.

Maybe she didn't get on the boat. Maybe she got on a lifeboat, swam to shore. Maybe she was rescued by some other ship. Maybe a dragon flew down from the heavens and swooped her up before the ship went down. Ok, so maybe the last one's a little far fetched but she's not dead.

She's alive. She's breathing.

Anything but dead.

Maybe the ship didn't go down. Maybe it's a cover up.

Maybe...

Maybe...

Maybe...

That's the magic word.

But right now. It's the only word keeping me sane.

And with that, my cycle has begun.

The cycle that I go through every time I lose someone. Shock and Denial;

That's how it starts.

* * *

I got home late. 2300. I put my gun and badge down on the table. Like I did every night. I sat down on the couch.

Toni came running from my room. she put her small paws on my knees. I smiled and patted the space on the couch next to me. That was the signal that she could come on. she jumped up, licked my face; while I rubbed her ears. She was a good listener, always followed the rules, she was loyal, cute, just like her previous owner.

I sighed as I noticed the pictures on the fireplace. I got up. Walked towards them. I picked up the one that caught my eye immediately.

Ziva.

It was a great picture of her, it really was. Abby took it. For her phone contact. The way the light was shining made her chocolate brown eyes sparkle. She was beautiful, no she is beautiful. Yea, I guess I'm still in a little bit of denial.

I took the picture out of the frame and walked back to the couch, sat down.

I stared at the four mountainous stacks of DVDs that surrounded my tv. Movie nights. Our movie nights. I missed them. Every Tuesday. It was just a routine. She came over to my house or I came to her house. I brought the movie and she cooked. But then they stopped. When Michael came to town. Michael. He's the reason for all of this.

* * *

Questions and what ifs:

What If I didn't have to kill Michael? Ziva wouldn't have been mad at me. She wouldn't have not trusted me. She wouldn't have stayed in tel aviv. She wouldn't have gotten on that ship. She wouldn't have died.

But what if I had let Michael kill me? Would Ziva have been happier with that? Would she have gone on to have a life with Michael? If I had died in Michael's place she wouldn't have had to go to tel aviv. She wouldn't have decided to stay there. She wouldn't have gone on the doomed ship. She wouldn't have died. She would have been alive.

Did I love her?

Yeah I did. Not completely sure if it was a romantic love but I loved her.

I loved her. I loved her sparkling brown eyes. I loved her small smirky-smile. I loved the way she smelled, like vanilla, she used the perfume I gave her last Christmas. I loved her crooked nose. I loved Her dark brown hair, especially when it was down; I loved her pointed hairline. I loved her voice, sweet yet stern. I loved that she poured her heart out into every case. I loved that she was a hard worker. I loved that she put up with me. I loved the way she was so strong and fierce one minute then gentle and loving the next.

I loved her.

I cared about her.

* * *

Missing her:

She was a woman.

She was a daughter.

She was a sister.

She was a friend.

She was a lover.

She was an assassin.

She was a liaison.

She was an agent.

She was my friend.

She was a crazy ninja chick.

She was my sweetcheeks.

She was a fighter.

She was my partner.

She was.

* * *

I kept looking at the dvds. I had memorized every title, ever director, actor, line of each movie. She had promised we'd watch every movie together. We only watched 12.

Depression:

I took the picture in my hand and gently rubbed my finger over her face.

I got up. Walked towards the table and picked up my gun.

I sat back down on the couch.

Took the gun and played around with it. Gently tossing it from one hand to the other. Twisted it around.

Then I faced the gun.

I looked down at the picture of Ziva and smiled. She smiled back, she didn't have a choice. But I did.

I looked into the barrel, into the deep abyss of the barrel.

And pulled the trigger.

*******

**Mwhahahahahaha! Cliff hanger!**

**Sorry I'm in a really evil/depressed mood. Midterms do that to me. I promise the next chapter will be up ASAP! Maybe even later tonight. Put me on story alert and review. I want to see your thoughts and ideas! And the more reviews, the faster the chapter comes up!**


	2. I Blinked

**Sorry for the delay, truly I am. But I had midterms all this week and the boat is still not fixed. So I have had 0 time to myself. But now my family's at my brothers basketball game, then they are going to a party so I have a couple hours to myself:D**

**So here it is:**

**Disclaimer: *looks in mirror and sees that she is not Donald Belisarius* no, don't own it. **

I blinked.

Nothing happened. Nothing ever happened.

The gun wasn't loaded. I knew that.

I was actually kinda glad I pulled the trigger of my unloaded gun. It meant that the depression stage was almost over.

Now, more depression.

Well, it was more of a second 'missing' stage.

I missed her smile.

I missed her sarcastic remarks.

I missed her messed up idioms.

I missed her crazy ninja moves.

I missed her eyes.

I missed her banter.

I missed her evil threats.

I missed her laugh.

I missed her driving.

I missed her bathroom talks.

I missed her voice.

I missed her subtle glances.

I missed her D minus pep talks.

I missed her necklace.

I missed her presence.

I missed her.

And then cried. Something I, Tony Dinozzo, almost never did.

I sat on my hardwood floor, leaning against the wall, and cried.

And cried.

And cried.

And cried.

Then I got up. Put my jacket on and went for a walk.

It was the only thing that cured my depression.

It was the only thing that triggered the next step.

* * *

Hallucination.

I walked down the quite D.C streets. It was 2430. Most people were asleep. Most shops were closed. But I walked anyway.

Something caught my eye. I looked across the street and saw her.

Ziva standing there with that beautiful smirk on her face.

A car passed, she was gone.

A let out a heavy sigh and kept on walking.

Looking at the ground I saw her name, written in chalk. I blinked a few times. It was gone.

I saw her in the woman I bumped into.

I saw her in the necklace on a display.

I saw her in a manikin in a store window.

I saw her in a passing car.

I saw her in my reflection.

I saw her when I closed my eyes.

*

I saw her name on a sign for pizza.

I saw her name in the apartment lights.

I saw her name carved on a tree.

I saw her name on a license plate.

I saw her name on a street sign.

I saw her name in the stars.

* * *

I needed a shower. I just did. Showers relaxed me. They helped me think.

So, I took one. Nothing very exciting happened so I won't elaborate.

I lay in bed, Toni at my feet.

The next step took its course.

* * *

What happens now?

Now what?

Will we get a new team member? Will she be a woman? Will she have a personality? Will she replace Ziva? Will I ever stop thinking about Ziva? Will I ever be the same? Will the team ever be the same? Will I ever find a woman that made me feel this happy? Will my new partner have my back? Will I be able to trust her? What if she turns out to be a double agent or something? Will Gibbs take forever to get used to her? Will the team work as efficiently? Will it ever be the same? Will this hurt feeling ever go away?

* * *

Anger

I was ready for this stage.

After Kate's death I needed to get a new wall. And when Paula died I pretty much destroyed all my plates and glasses.

So I bought a punching bag and hung it from my ceiling. I bought it after Jeanne left and it came in great use when Jenny died.

Every time a new thought or person I should be angry at I took a swing.

This was also my blaming stage. Blamed everyone and everything. Including myself.

I was mad at Michael, for coming to America.

I was mad at Michael, for making me kill him.

I was mad at Ziva, for not trusting me .

I was mad at myself, for letting Ziva not trust me.

I was mad at Gibbs, for letting her stay.

I was mad at Ziva, for staying.

I was mad at the Damocles, for sinking.

I was mad at the weather, for making a storm.

I was mad at the sea, for mercilessly taking Ziva.

I was mad at myself, for letting myself sink into the cycle again.

I was mad.

* * *

I walked into my room, changed into my pajamas, and jumped into bed, Toni at my feet.

I fell asleep quickly, desperate for the next stage to take it's course, it was the only stage that made me feel happy.

* * *

**OoOoOoOoO what's the next stage? And why is Tony happy? Ok, so you know the drill! Leave me a review and tell me what you think of it. I'm going to start writing in more of a storyish format in a chapter or two and I'll probably go into a little AR, not sure yet.**

**A/N: If anyone wants a spoiler summary for a couple of new things I'm working on review or PM me and I'll send it to you, then tell me what you think:D**

**A/N: Hopefully the next chapter will be up sooner! All mistakes are mine, I'm looking for a beta.**


	3. She Has to Be Alive

**Sorry bout the lack of update im the worst at updating cause once a new idea pops in my head I just start a new story, speaking of which you should check out my other story, Mother or All These Years**

**Ok, well here the next chapter. And the last *sad face***

**Thanks to all who reviewed! *group hug*, no not really**

* * *

I woke up early.

The sunlight from the window made me flinch. I closed my eyes tighter, trying to escape the light, but it was no use.

I sat up on my bed and looked around.

Next Stage.

* * *

Apparitions.

I looked around my room, hoping to see Ziva's ghost, or spirit, or whatever; preferably in some kind of sexy ninja attire.

But nothing.

No sarcastic comments about my morning look from the ghost of my dead, former assassin-partner.

I stayed in my bed for a few minutes and kept looking around confused.

What was going on?

I always, always saw the dead person's ghost.

My mom.

Kate.

Paula.

Jenny.

But, Ziva had failed to show.

I looked around. I was at work, sitting at my dsk. Did I really space out for that long?

She had always threatened to haunt me forever.

Why?

Did she not care about me?

Was she, well her spirit scared?

Did she not want to torment me anymore?

Was she in hell?

No.

None of those made any sense.

Only one thing did.

* * *

Denial (Again)

She wasn't dead.

There was no way Ziva David could be dead and not want to haunt me.

No way in hell or heaven.

The only thing that made sense.

She was alive.

I had to find her.

No.

Gibbs would never believe me.

He was trying to get over this.

And what do I tell him?

_Me: Ziva's not dead. I know it._

_Gibbs: Oh really? _

_Me: There's no way._

_Gibbs: And how did you come to that?_

_Me: I didn't see her ghost_

_-deadpan-_

Never, ever would he believe me.

So, had to think of a new theory, something that'll get by Gibbs.

Vengeance.

My plan was set.

Gibbs new me. He'd believe that I would want to seek vengeance for Ziva's death.

Here he comes.

"Grab your gear." he said swiftly entering the bullpen. McGee grabbed his backpack.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"No." he looked at me, so did McGee. "No." I repeated.

He walked over to my desk. Gave a small smile that seemed to mock me.

"No?"

"We have an obligation to her, Saleem's gotta be stopped."

I was going to find her, whatever it took.

* * *

**Ok, so there you go! Hope you liked it.**

**Please review! **

**Tell me your favorite line, was it believable, in character? I know I didn't make any movie references(lol) but besides that, everything else good?**


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